For our first song, we turn to patriotic lads Choking Victim. Play this one really loud around your dad and your big brother while they talk about sports, trucks, Donald Trump and other heterosexual male oriented things. Hardcore pornography? Is it appropriate to discuss hardcore pornography with your family at the table? What if it’s what you’re the most thankful for?
Next we have Blue Lives Matter enthusiasts Millions of Dead Cops with their patriotic song “Corporate Death Burger.” You can explain for the 500th time why you don’t have a job. Your great grandfather had to walk fifteen miles in the snow in Spanx to sell iPods when he was your age, what’s your excuse?
Our next festive holiday song is by retro eighties band Reagan Youth, and is entitled “Jesus Was A Communist.” What is more communist than a holiday where everyone shares food with each other? Imagine if your family would stop mindlessly consuming and seize the means of production like this every day…
Are you ready to say Grace? How about Laura Jane Grace? Because our next song is “Walking Is Still Honest” by Against Me. It goes out to our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who walked a lot and was honest.
Pass the mashed potatoes! Our next family friendly radio pic is “Cruisin'” by Hunx and His Punx! Play this one and watch manly men in tights grind into each other on the living room TV. Ya know, foozeball…
Are the mini vodkas you’ve been drinking in the bathroom all day doing the trick yet? If so, here is our next song “Misanthropic Drunken Loner” by Days N Daze. I hope you get more baked than the turkey this year.
Do you like black people? Your grandparents sure don’t! Here’s Andy Warpigs with “Shut The Fuck Up!” You can chug all of the apple cider and duke it out with your cousin Bill over which group of soulless millionaires with colored ties you support! It might make life seem like it even has a point for 15 minutes. Don’t you wish you’d just played that song first all along?